Overwhelmed and struggling – this is for you! AKA My Tuscan Existential Crisis
This one is for you if you are feeling a little bit overwhelmed by life and by your business.
If you are struggling to get the motivation to just get going on projects - no matter how much you want to, no matter how exciting they are, or how much you said you wanted to do the things.
If you've been a little bit triggered by seemingly everybody doing it so much better and easier than you on LinkedIn or Insta.
If imposter syndrome is running the show for you at the moment and you're feeling a little bit like you don't belong.
Yes, we are going there with the big questions.
So, what has inspired today's conversation?
I have just returned from a retreat in Tuscany.
It was absolutely wonderful.
But on this retreat in Tuscany, I had my own existential crisis - and I do not use that term lightly.
The retreat came about because somebody I used to work with 15 years ago moved over to Tuscany and has spent the last seven years lovingly restoring a beautiful Tuscan Farmhouse nestled in the middle of the hills - and from which they sometimes run retreats.
It is the most glorious place. It's a huge farmhouse: picture stone walls and wide-open expansive living spaces flowing into each other beautifully.
I had the most gorgeous bedroom with a huge comfy bed where I could fall asleep under the stars because, of course, there's no light pollution. And a rainfall shower as well, which I absolutely loved.
There was also a swimming pool, where I went for a dawn dip, and a yoga studio overlooking the hills.
Part of the retreat was delivered by a perimenopausal and menopausal nutrition expert called Emma who gave us cooking and nutrition lessons about what we should be eating in perimenopause and menopause.
She was also our private chef, so she provided vegetarian clean eating throughout our time there.
I loved being looked after like that.
There was also an wonderful group of women on the retreat: the type that you instantly feel safe with, and we shared all our stories and were really vulnerable, but also laughed our backsides off as well.
I'm not sharing this detail to make you feel jealous or in some sort of promotional way. I am not affiliated in any way, although I would love to share Callie and Emma's details with you if that sounds like your vibe.
The point I want to make is this: despite all this gorgeous setup, while I was there, I had a small but fairly fundamental existential crisis.
And if you had asked me even a week ago what my purpose was, what my mission in business was, I could have told you in a really slick, certain, practiced elevator pitch exactly who I help, how I do it and what my legacy in life is.
But as I was doing some slow, meditative laps of the pool early one morning on my own before anybody else got up, it hit me like an absolute ton of bricks: what am I doing?
I don't know what I'm aiming for anymore.
What I thought I was doing, what I thought I was certain of, doesn't feel right anymore.
It doesn't feel like me anymore. And it's not exciting me anymore.
If I were at home, I'd probably been able to brush that off until it went away. But because I was on retreat, I was able to really sit with this question and let it percolate. This is one of the things I love about retreats, whether I am running them or whether I am on them. You're never quite sure what you're going to get.
And then, as soon as I had this question pop up, I got ill.
It was so weird. It's like my body just released what it needed to release.
My head got really fuzzy, I felt really discombobulated - it was like I was looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.
But because of the work that I do, I knew that the most important thing that I could do was sit with the discomfort, not try and run away with it or numb and distract myself - but to sit with that discomfort and let myself be supported by the group.
And this is what I've learned.
1. I am playing too small.
What Callie has achieved by restoring Macone is nothing short of incredible and thoroughly inspiring.
Just being under the expansiveness of the sky, the scope of the project and the sheer undertaking they took on with two kids.
Plus also that open-mindedness that travel brings just in itself.
I have not been on a plane since Covid, and I don't mind telling you that I was pretty anxious about the whole travel thing. But as soon as I stepped into that airport, it came back, and I remembered who I was and I remembered the big dreams I used to have.
And that was exactly it. I'm playing too small, but I had the time and space to dream big again.
2. I've been making excuses.
This is a really interesting one.
I've shared previously that my big dream has always been to run retreats in the Lake District.
To get a place, to move the family over there - and to be able to host retreats doing all the things I love to do: hiking, wild swimming and fell running.
It's the lifestyle that I love. And yet, it hasn't happened.
I've had every excuse under the sun, namely, it's not a good time for the kids. The kids are involved in their clubs, happy with their friends - and all that stuff.
And those questions may be valid, or they may not be valid anymore.
But Call's done it. Callie's got kids the same age as mine and they've relocated to Italy. And it's just that inspiration of - are these valid questions, or is it time to re-examine those questions and call myself out on where they are just excuses because of the fear of stepping into the unknown?
3. My life is geared for efficiency, not quality.
Now, this is a really, really big one. It stopped me in my tracks when I realised.
Everything in my life, from how I get dressed in the morning to what I eat to how I travel, is geared up to allow me to spend more time at work or for spending time with the kids, but there is no in between time.
I’ve eliminated any time to linger or savour the quiet moments. And I think that is a real shame because it's losing that dreaming time, that time to meander and percolate and just be bored and see what comes out of that.
4. Micro decisions matter
This is a reminder for me because I know this one.
For example, if I'm cooking and the recipe calls for herbs - even if those herbs are growing in the front garden, I won't bother putting them in.
"Ah, a handful of those can't really matter."
But actually, what this retreat showed me is that it does: because how you do one thing is how you do everything.
I think it's from Atomic Habits by James Clear - the idea that everything you do is a vote for the kind of person you want to be. So if you're cutting corners thinking that the micro decisions don't matter, they do because those things add up over time into your identity.
5. The Importance of the Rich Inner Life
This is absolutely everything.
Inside Audacity, my membership, my tribe, we call this "Des," your Daily Essential Standards.
Here's the difference: I am guilty of doing my daily essential standards, my golden daily habits- the activities and rituals that allow me to show up as my best and brighter self.
I do these things as a quid pro quo. For example, if I spend 20 minutes doing yoga, then I'm going to nail the pitch, or if I meditate, I'm not going to panic about the bills coming in. The whole quid pro quo idea.
The difference and where I am striving to get to is about being so in tune with, so in love with myself, so aligned with myself - that life is just bliss. It's the stuff that money can't buy.
6. It is time to make some changes
I have made some big decisions over the past week or so.
I have released some things that aren't working for me anymore, and I have made some decisions to welcome some new stuff in.
If this blog has resonated, if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you've lost your mojo, if you're lacking clarity, if you are feeling disconnected, and if you're having your own existential crisis, this is what I want you to hear…
It is absolutely okay to feel like this, and there is nothing wrong with you.
It doesn't mean that you're failing.
These questions and feelings can be confusing, and they can happen at the worst times. It can be really uncomfortable to have this little voice that's popping up saying "This isn't right. Something's wrong here."
However, they are clues.
That little voice, those feelings, they are clues that you are ready for an upleveling -that there is a shift coming for you, that it is time to let some things go in order to make space for what is next for you.
So, I've come back into work this week.
I have made some and executed some really big decisions.
I can't share what they are yet, but it feels so damn right…. and that is my clue that I'm on the right path.
And so, the next step is all about leaning into that trust, to trusting my feelings that I am on the right path.
And that, for me, is the whole point, is the whole essence of being a female entrepreneur.
It's that freedom to pursue and to explore that curiosity.
I hope you have enjoyed this blog. Please let me know what has resonated.
Thank you so much for being here, and I will see you very soon.